Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Why Formula Feeders Visit Breastfeeding Websites

I am often asked: Why do formula feeders frequent breastfeeding sites? Why do they trawl through breastfeeding-related discussions only to declare that the process made them feel guilty? Why would a grown adult put themselves in this situation, a situation which is clearly triggering? In this post, I’ll explain the reason behind this bizarre phenomenon. I'm talking about the green-eyed bitch:

Envy: noun
a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck

In short, formula feeders specifically seek out pro-breastfeeding stimuli because they are envious, or should I say, defensive formula feeders do this. Extremes of envy are not universal amongst all formula feeders, rather, those partial to defensiveness are aptly prone to envy. In a previous post 'How to Spot a Defensive Formula Feeder' I described the tendency of defensive formula feeders (DFFs) to actively seek out contact with breastfeeders and breastfeeding literature:

“Their behaviour has a self-defeating, almost masochistic quality. It is as if DFFs welcome the process of getting hurt and are attracted to media which triggers them. They actively seek out breastfeeding forums, blogs and advocates. If they mistakenly stumble upon such a group, they do not leave. Instead they enjoy the masochistic buzz of being offended and arguing.”

It’s as if they have an almost irresistible fascination with ‘the other team’. They are caught up in envy. Now, to point out the bleedin’ obvious, envy is not a pleasant emotion to be tangled in. It is painful, conflicting and shame-inducing. To cope with envy there are two major defence mechanisms that the DFF can utilize: avoidance or obsession. For our purposes we’re concerned with the latter.

Lactation Envy

In the chapter of my book devoted to envy, I discussed the mechanics of this emotion - in this post I’ll give you the condensed version: Envy is wanting to have what another person has, for the DFF, their feeling of envy centers on their lack of a breastfeeding relationship. This lack creates a void, something is missing - is less than - especially in comparison to the envied one. 

Envy stings when the DFF compares herself to breastfeeders. As she is wrapped in this painful experience of being unable to live up to the standards that other mothers have attained, the DFF’s attention is focused on these other mothers. Essentially, a secret bond is created between the DFF and breastfeeders. I call this the ‘envy bond’. Breastfeeding mothers get settled in the DFF’s thoughts as an obsessive mental preoccupation. A constant comparative thinking starts, sometimes with increased curiosity about the actions, attitudes, behaviours of the envied. Fascination with breastfeeders and sensitivity to breastfeeders’ treatment of the formula feeder renders the latter vulnerable to shame. Breastfeeders are, often unwittingly, a prominent and powerful force in the experience of formula feeders’ envy. Let’s expand on this:

Many studies around feelings of envy and competitiveness have suggested that what is envied tells more about oneself than it tells about the envied other. The envied other is a mirror of the lack one feels inside. To be activated, envy needs an 'other', someone who is showing or mirroring what is consciously or unconsciously needed or wished for oneself. Ever wondered why moms tend to feel envious of certain moms and not of others? Why does a DFF feel painful, almost visceral, envy at the sight of a mother nursing her child, but not at the sight of a very rich celebrity creating a dream nursery with expensive decor, or the sight of Kate Middleton displaying blow-dried perfection just hours after having given birth before retiring to her palace? 

The answer is twofold: firstly, envy is felt chiefly toward those who are our peers, for reasons having to do with ‘justice’. People do not necessarily envy the wealth of celebrities, because the discrepancy does not reflect badly on them. It is only when the discrepancy between someone else’s success and one’s own failure serves to demonstrate or call attention to one’s shortcomings that envy results. DFFs envy breastfeeders precisely because they could have experienced similar success. It was within their grasp. The breastfeeding mother is signalling or mirroring some parts in the formula feeding mother that have not been used, developed or activated.

Secondly, breastfeeding displays those characteristics, attitudes, or behaviours that carry some meaning to the DFF personally. If breastfeeding did not carry a particular worth, it wouldn’t be noticed or would simply provoke indifference. To quote my book:

“The irony is that however much mothers deny, distort or misconstrue the truth about breastfeeding, it continues to matter to them – enormously. In fact, they deny, distort and misconstrue breastfeeding because it matters to them.” (Breast Intentions, 2014).

Breastfeeders absorb an important part of the DFF’s thoughts, a process characterised by observation, scrutinization, sometimes obsessive mental preoccupation, as if the DFF wishes to know everything about successful breastfeeders: how are they feeling? succeeding? performing? By doing this, the DFF is trying to gauge what went wrong in their own breastfeeding journey and whether she could have tried hard enough. She is unconsciously researching to find an answer to the ever-present question: Why could these women do it but not me? What personal qualities do they have that I don’t?

Envy incognito

Of course many DFFs disguise their envy. They seem, from the outside at least, to be more hostile than envious. They disparage breastfeeding advocates and/or denounce breastfeeding’s benefits, belittling it as inconsequential. This, my friends, is a mere farce, a defence mechanism, and quite a prolific one at that. In order to pacify their envy, DFFs attempt to persuade themselves and those around them, that what they envy - they actually loathe. Freud labelled such behaviour ‘reaction formation’ – an attempt to deny one’s true emotional state by taking on the opposite. DFFs are trying to pacify uncomfortable feelings of envy by downplaying breastfeeding.

"Okay, I get it, but why are you telling us this?"

I’m telling you this because although envy is a bitch, she is also a great motivator. Feelings of envy can either thwart success or stimulate it. So, if you’re a DFF reading this, I urge you to redirect your envy towards positive means. When you realise that your envy of breastfeeding reveals more about yourself than about the breastfeeder, the envy-bond between you both becomes looser. This can be a turning point for you. What I’m proposing here is a different use of your emotional energies. This point needs to elaboration:

Remember in my recent post about Mommy Guilt I explained that emotions provoke or provide energy: this energy can be proactive such as feeling admiration, motivation, inspiration. Or it can be reactive such as feeling angry, resentful, jealous. Usually it is not the emotion but the use of its energy that creates the problem. Trawling through breastfeeding forums and causing arguments is a reactive and destructive use of your emotional energy. 

Constructive and proactive uses on the other hand, such as researching relactation or lobbying for health policy amendment, will help to mobilize the emotional energy to produce positive change. Indeed, drastic changes can be brought about over the powerful energy fuelled by emotion. Feel let down by the health care system? Lodge an official complaint against those health professionals you believe were negligent. Think formula is too risk-laden, too expensive? Lobby to get formula production more strongly regulated. Feel there isn’t enough support for breastfeeding postpartum? Start a petition and get your local politician involved. Want to breastfeed right now? Look into relactation. Envy can open the door to a wealth of positive change – if you channel it productively rather than destructively.

Indeed, envy is a signpost for change. Envy is evidence that you are still wanting, that you haven’t given up hope – and that’s awesome! Redirect this emotional energy to find out ways you can fulfil your breastfeeding goals. By all means, use envy as a mirror, that is, look at breastfeeders, explore where and in which ways you could emulate them now, or in the future. Observe and assimilate their coping strategies and problem-solving techniques. In fact, using envy as a motivational force and catalyst for positive change will enable you to experience a component of similarity and affinity with the very breastfeeding mothers you have been envious of! 

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Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Overcoming Mommy Guilt

In last week's post (get your butt over here y'all), I explained the self-serving mechanisms involved in mommy guilt: the ways in which guilt forms an addictive cycle. In this post I'm going to explain the guilt-triggering mechanism in more depth and - most importantly - suggest how to crack the cycle. Seat-belts, people!

Let's begin with a radical consideration: If you don’t want to feel a certain way, just don’t feel it. I know that’s far easier to say than to do, especially after a long time of forming habitual butthurt to certain things. Your brain has spent months, maybe even years, beating a neural pathway to butthurt, and you’ll need to retrain it. Let me explain..

The Voluntariness of Guilt

We humans are happy to take full responsibility for some of our emotions no matter how unbidden, so long as they fit into our personal agendas (pride, love, compassion, whatever). We deny responsibility for others (guilt, envy, lust) due to the most self-serving of reasons: to make excuses for ourselves. Our choices do not just ‘happen’ to us. Likewise, our emotions don’t just happen to us either. We practice them, cultivate them, and in many cases choose them, even if unconsciously (Check out the fabulous book by Professor Sheena Iyengar, ‘The Art of Choosing’).

Now, to say that moms choose to feel guilty is not to say that their guilt is a sheer instance of ‘will’. Circumstances may play a role. You may not have chosen to be on Facebook the same time an anti-formula article is shared, and after clicking the link and reading the content of the article you may begin to feel guilty about your choice to formula feed, and you now have to decide what to do with this feeling. You did not choose to be in this situation, presented with such an offensive article, but you chose to read it. Indeed, you may return to the source numerous times, maybe contact the author and tell her a thing or two. So you are not completely the victim here. Even if you did not know that this particular article was about to be shared, you did know about the reputation of the internet and the dangers that lurk in such an open, largely uncensored medium.

In this way, guilt is not a single episode, much less a sudden ‘burst’ of emotion aroused by stimuli. As the Austrian neurologist and psychiatrist Viktor Frankl wrote: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.” Guilt does not just happen to us and it is not simply dictated by the circumstances. We don’t go from having zero guilt to being overwhelmed with guilt at the sudden trigger of an article. Our guilt is our responsibility, and so we should take responsibility for it.

Let’s look at the butthurt-development process:

Here you are, and here is the offending article. You feel yourself getting tense, but now, do you get guilty? You have a number of choices, though none of them feels good. You can leave the website, you can think about the content in a different way, you can stay and debate, you can get angry. Meanwhile in all of these responses, you sense in yourself a rising guilt. You grow more tense and irritable. You find yourself thinking all sorts of insults and defensive responses to throw at the author, the sharer, the liker, and anyone who agrees with them. But your choices are real choices, with real consequences, some of which further the guilt, while others tend to shift the guilt - perhaps further towards yourself or towards the author (“you should feel ashamed for writing this”), and other choices tend to diminish it.

Contagious Mommy Guilt

The issue of the level of control we have over guilt is much more complex than a black-and-white distinction between activity and passivity. Sometimes emotional choices are so easy to make that we don’t think of ourselves as making them at all. We go on auto-pilot. Indeed, it’s easy and effortless to feel guilty when we step foot on the hyper-charged battlefield of the Mommy Wars. When the majority of formula feeders are proclaiming to feel guilty, this general consensus spreads like a virus to other formula feeders. “If they all feel guilty, then I should too”. The more formula feeders that publicise their guilt the more socially appropriate, even desirable, this behaviour is deemed by others. A common chain-reaction goes something like this: a mother reads an offensive article, then she acts guilty because it is socially expected, from which genuine guilt may follow. Psychologists call this ‘herd instinct’ or ‘social proof’. The social climate dictates: the better a mother you are, the worse you should feel when you stray from virtuous choices.

Then there are the mothers who ‘set themselves up’, knowing the probable emotional consequences. An example is the many formula feeders that click ‘like’ on The Alpha Parent Facebook page and then pour over the updates that appear on their feed, triggering themselves with self-loathing. 

It is, of course, very convenient for these moms to think of their emotions (which motivate a great deal of their behaviour) as beyond their control. That way, they can blame their silly outbursts on their anger, and not take responsibility for it themselves. Sneaky.

In a nutshell

We mothers would be wise to divorce ourselves from the self-pacifying belief that emotions are hijackers that render us victims and instead think of them as strategies we cultivate and put into play. Now here’s a random fact for the nerds amongst you: The Latin root of the word ‘emotion’ means ‘to move’. Emotions are vehicles for transforming or moving your life. When you feel guilty, try to identify what the emotion is telling you. Think of your emotions as helpful messages. Fear protects. Sadness releases. Joy uplifts. Empathy unites. Guilt teaches. In this sense, guilt is a call to action to correct our mistakes and to learn from them. Then we become better mothers/people/citizens because we are boosting our self-efficiency, banishing our anxiety and making new, better choices. 

Truly understanding the nature of our emotions and how they express and embody our deepest values is the cornerstone message of my book Breast Intentions. In the chapter titled ‘Guilt’ I discuss how misunderstandings of our guilt lead to excuses that we use to duck responsibility. I explain that the road to emotional integrity involves resisting those excuses and taking responsibility, and most importantly, how to do this as a mother. Worth a look, if you want to understand (and overcome) the shackles of the reticent maternal mind. 

To end this post on a philosophical-note and to give you something to ponder, I’d like to refer back to Roosevelt's infamous insight. The fact is, with the exception of our own minds, no power on earth has the consistent and absolute ability to make us feel guilty. Whatever happens, you have a choice as to how you interpret or react to something. You can’t control other people. Sometimes, you can’t control circumstances either. You can only control yourself – your own thoughts, your mind, and the attitude you take. However much we might be prompted by cues from other people or our environment, the choice to feel guilty is ours and ours alone. Owning one’s guilt includes recognizing that the source of the emotion and the reasons for it are part of our inner world.

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Wednesday, February 18, 2015

The Skinny on Mommy Guilt

Everyone loves Roosevelt's motivational mantra: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. It adorns fridge magnets and keychains the world over. But it seems, there is one group of people who don’t appreciate this sentiment. In fact, they argue exemption from it. Yup, I’m talking about mothers.

For a group of people who celebrate so passionately their prerogative of choice, it is bitterly ironic that mothers are keen to dispose of this belief when their emotions are involved. “Stop being judgemental, I should not be made to feel guilty” is their mating call. It’s so common that almost everyone takes heed, lest they be seen as a kind of evil Morton Downey Jr.

Yet contrary to what some mothers and stand-up comedians may claim, women are not fragile simpering wallflowers at the mercy of iron-tongued tormentors. They are not passive pawns pushed around by the force of others’ words. The image of the female as a boiling pot of feelings, a puppet to her emotions, easily triggered and unable to control herself is a misogynistic invention of a culture that's still riding on patriarchal coattails. Sadly, many women continue to lap up this rhetoric, and when they become mothers, it becomes enshrined in their self-entitled, self-serving psyche. In this post, I’m going to demonstrate why ‘Mommy Guilt’ is the biggest farce since Nestle donned a nurse's outfit.

Guilt: The Narcissist of Emotions

Let me tell you a thing or two about guilt. Guilt is the quintessential self-conscious emotion. At its heart, guilt is a self-involved, egocentric experience. In parenting, it is a moral emotion that arises when a mom experiences discrepancies between her standards and her behaviour. As Dr Helen Lewis explains in her book “Shame and Guilt in Neurosis”:

“In the experience of guilt, the self is doing the judging; the experience is thus self-contained and self-propelled. Guilt is about something specific about which the self is critical”

In fact, mommy guilt has strategic functionality rather than being a mere reaction. The mother absorbed in her own guilt may discover, for example, that ‘punishing herself’ allows her to be irresponsible or unsociable. Or perhaps she views the feeling of guilt as neutralising the ‘wrong’ she believes she has committed.

When a mother feels guilty it means she can talk about herself and how she feels for hours. Because that’s what guilt is about: you. It’s a way of focusing on yourself that doesn’t feel self-indulgent because you’re shining a light in the shameful, dark parts of your psyche. It’s sort of a back-handed compliment to yourself because the fact you feel guilty means you have morals, so you’re basically a decent person.

When we understand that mommy guilt, like many emotions, has utility, we can begin to understand that...

Mommy Guilt is Self-Imposed

Picture the scene: I write a blog post about the risks of formula feeding/circumcision/whatever, which ‘makes’ you feel guilty. Let’s try thinking of it in purely logical terms: I posted something and you felt guilty.

Now take it further: I posted something. You felt guilty.

Now for the next step: I did what I did. You did guilt.

Why should me doing whatever it is I did have control over your feelings? Ahhhh, now we’re getting somewhere..

The reason why guilt is so pervasive in motherhood is precisely because it is self-imposed. Psychologists Dr June Tangney and Dr Ronda Dearing In their book, ‘Shame and Guilt’, define guilt as “a private experience arising from self-generated pangs of conscience” (2002, p14). One can to a considerable extent shrug off other people’s criticism and even their contempt, but one cannot shrug off one’s own. Guilt is blame of the self by the self. By its very nature, guilt assumes a wrong doing that one has committed. So in order to feel guilt, two components must be present: 1. A wrongdoing. 2. Personal blame. Now let’s apply this to an obvious example: failure to breastfeed. If the mother believed that breast milk and formula were equivalent, #1 would be absent in her view. Thus, she wouldn't feel guilty for not breastfeeding. If on the other hand, #1 is present but #2 is not, the result is merely shame not guilt.

Guilt is a personal judgement of culpability that is expressed in the attitudes the individual holds towards herself. When motivational speaker Chip Conley announced “Guilt is an emotional bouillabaisse. Its stock is your sense of choice and responsibility” (Conley 2012) he was maintaining that personal acceptance of blame is essential to the experience of guilt. You see, emotions are very much tied up with belief systems and thought structures, and cannot be separated from them. When a formula feeding mother personally believes that breastfeeding is optimum, guilt is aroused. If a formula feeding mother believes that formula is on par with breast milk, she won’t feel guilt, and no amount of ‘bullying’ from a lactivist blog post will arouse that guilt.

If you're feeling guilty right now (heck, you're a parent), look at your guilt with the idea that you are, or might be, responsible and ask yourself these probing questions: “What am I doing this for?” “What am I getting out of this?” If you do this, you can often see aspects of your strategic behaviour that would otherwise escape you. By contrast, if you look at your guilt with the idea that it is a force beyond your control, something inflicted on you by someone else, you'll be prone to make excuses for yourself. Sound familiar? Victimhood calling!

To believe that others can make us feel guilt is to adopt victim mentality (see my previous post: “How to Spot a Defensive Formula Feeder”). Yet we are not victims. We are not toddlers unable to regulate our emotions. We are active agents, we are parents for hells sake!, and we have responsibilities. How will you ever be free of guilt if you attribute its existence to the control of others? As long as mothers blame others for their guilt, they effectively rob themselves of their own emotional integrity and consequent empowerment. If you are not responsible, then you are not empowered to make changes. Being responsible means taking responsibility for your parenting decisions. That does not mean that you’re in charge of your environment and in control of all the stimuli you encounter. It does mean that you’re in charge of your own inner environment. 

The Blame Game

The experience of being guilt-stricken is so uncomfortable and threatening to a mother’s self-esteem that, more often than not, she experiences an inclination to shift that hostility and blame outward (Lewis 1987). A mother’s guilt can feel extremely painful and devastating. When she feels it, she is berating herself. To make matters even worse, with many maternal misdemeanours, there are very few options for remedying the failure. So there Mom is – hopelessly mired in an agonizing, ego-threatening state of guilt, with no obvious way out. 

How do moms, in the midst of guilt, attempt to cope or contain this hateful emotion? One strategy that is likely to be effective, at least in the short term, is to turn the tables and shift the blame. A lot of formula feeders for example, come to resent themselves for the vast discrepancy between how they wish they fed their child and how they actually fed their child. A lot of this self-condemnation is dealt with through a process of externalization: it is directed outward, against life, fate, institutions, or people, or it is directed against the self but is perceived or experienced as coming from the outside. Blaming others (instead of the self) can serve an ego-protective function. Breastfeeding advocates are ideal targets. As Tracey Cassels over at Evolutionary Parenting, has observed:

“I have to ask myself – why are you so offended?  Why are you saying I’m trying to guilt you?  That I’m a breastfeeding nazi or some other ridiculous moniker?  Why do you need to mount a campaign claiming you’ve been “made” to feel like a bad parent because I simply tell it like it is?  What you forget is that only you can allow yourself to feel guilt, and if you know in your heart of hearts that what you’re doing is good, then the guilt won’t follow.” 

By externalising blame, guilt-stricken formula feeders attempt to defend and preserve their self-esteem. Their anger is pushed towards others, but it is anger which results from one’s own feeling of helplessness.  

Furthermore, by attacking her ‘accuser’ ("You're a dick for judging my lack of breastfeeding"), the mother can divert the audience’s attention away from the original fault ("I'm a dick for not breastfeeding"). This sort of guilt-induced defensive externalisation is fairly irrational, even from the perspective of the guilt-stricken mother. However it is compelling to her as it allows her to enjoy many benefits - externalising blame in this way serves to reduce painful self-awareness, and, as a further bonus, the accompanying feelings of self-righteous anger can help the guilt-stricken mother to regain some sense of agency and control as well as solidarity with other butthurt mothers. Anger is an emotion of potency and authority. In contrast, guilt is an emotion of the worthless, the paralysed, the ineffective. Thus, by redirecting hostility, by turning their bitterness outward, guilt-stricken mothers become angry instead, reactivating and bolstering the self, which was previously so impaired by the guilt experience.

Rightyo! That's your lot for this week. In my next post, I'll be discussing how to overcome Mommy Guilt (yes, it's not a deadly disease, recovery is possible). Linky.

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