Masochistic Mommy

I am often asked: Why do formula feeders frequent breastfeeding sites? Why do they trawl through breastfeeding-related discussions only to declare that the process made them feel guilty? Why would a grown adult put themselves in this situation, a situation which is clearly triggering? In this post, I’ll explain the reason behind this bizarre phenomenon. I'm talking about the green-eyed bitch: Envy: noun a feeling of discontented or resentful longing aroused by someone else’s possessions, qualities, or luck ( Oxford English Dictionary 2013 ). In short, formula feeders specifically seek out pro-breastfeeding stimuli because they are envious, or should I say, defensive formula feeders do this. Extremes of envy are not universal amongst all formula feeders, rather, those partial to defensiveness are aptly prone to envy. In a previous post ' How to Spot a Defensive Formula Feeder ' I described the tendency of defensive formula feeders (DFFs) to actively seek out contact with br...

In last week's post (get your butt over here y'all), I explained the self-serving mechanisms involved in mommy guilt: the ways in which guilt forms an addictive cycle. In this post I'm going to explain the guilt-triggering mechanism in more depth and - most importantly - suggest how to crack the cycle. Seat-belts, people! Let's begin with a radical consideration:  If you don’t want to feel a certain way, just don’t feel it . I know that’s far easier to say than to do, especially after a long time of forming habitual butthurt to certain things. Your brain has spent months, maybe even years, beating a neural pathway to butthurt, and you’ll need to retrain it. Let me explain.. The Voluntariness of Guilt We humans are happy to take full responsibility for  some  of our emotions no matter how unbidden, so long as they fit into our personal agendas (pride, love, compassion, whatever). We deny responsibility for others (guilt, envy, lust) due to the most self-serving of reaso...

Everyone loves Roosevelt's motivational mantra: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. It adorns fridge magnets and keychains the world over. But it seems, there is one group of people who don’t appreciate this sentiment. In fact, they argue exemption from it. Yup, I’m talking about mothers. For a group of people who celebrate so passionately their prerogative of choice, it is bitterly ironic that mothers are keen to dispose of this belief when their emotions are involved. “Stop being judgemental, I should not be made to feel guilty” is their mating call. It’s so common that almost everyone takes heed, lest they be seen as a kind of evil Morton Downey Jr. Yet contrary to what some mothers and stand-up comedians may claim, women are not fragile simpering wallflowers at the mercy of iron-tongued tormentors. They are not passive pawns pushed around by the force of others’ words. The image of the female as a boiling pot of feelings, a puppet to her emotions, easily t...

If you’re been alive for the fast five or so years, you may have noticed something peculiar: the emergence of a new zeitgeist of contempt for breastfeeding. Even a cursory look at the lifestyle section of many online newspapers reveals a contemporary back-catalogue now groaning under the weight of the collective bitching of a vocal minority of failed breastfeeders. In this post I question the motives of these failed breastfeeders, let’s call them ‘formula apologists’ – the folk who make it their raison d'etre to criticise breastfeeding - that is, to criticise its promotion and its significance. You see, nobody comes immaculately to the infant feeding debate. Its discussion can never be abstract. As I discussed in the chapter of my book  aptly titled ‘Defensiveness’, the agenda of these people is not as transparent as they would hope. Ask yourself this question: by virtue of being failures, do these people really qualify as noted dispensers of feeding advice? Do they have the well-b...

Ta-da! I can finally unveil the cover of my new book. After much too-and-fro with the publisher’s design team, we have finally reached a compromise, and here it is: Now, you'd be forgiven for thinking that this dark and sinister cover would be better suited to a thriller novel rather than a breastfeeding guide – and that’s the point! Breast Intentions is NOT your average breastfeeding manual. The book takes you through the twisted world of mother-upon-mother manipulation, shining a spotlight upon the murkiest inner conflicts inherent within the maternal psyche.  The cover features a mother clutching her baby. What’s that expression in her eyes.. Concern? Resentment? Guilt? Malice? Well, that’s for you to decide. The mother clearly loves her baby as she holds him close to her bosom, yet there’s tension between the dyad, as well as tension within the mother herself. The cover taps into the postpartum taboo - that motherhood (particularly early motherhood) is not all gurgling babies a...

Lactation Consultants are fairy godmothers devoted to mothers and babies, appearing out of nowhere at the crack of a broken nipple or the click of a bad latch, they sprinkling pixie dust upon mothers' nursing dreams. When they impart their wisdom, their words weave a whimsical spell, furnishing a happily ever after for mom and baby. [Insert the sound of vinyl being scratched]. Back in the real world, lactation consultants, like any professional, are not immune to incompetency. No doubt you’ve heard about LCs dishing out faulty advice to an unsuspecting mother, unwittingly sabotaging her breastfeeding efforts . Perhaps after a poke and a prod they diagnose that a mother's milk has ‘dried up’ when in fact it has just regulated; or perhaps they advocate the breast pump as a gage of how much milk a mother is producing. Maybe they suggest formula top-ups, test weighing, block feeding, controlled crying, et cetera; the list of potentially poisonous advice is endless. Could this expla...

You see the world from your own perspective – of course you do. What can be harder to recognise is that not everyone else does. When you’re a child, most of the people in your world are focused on you most of the time. When you’re two, for example, you can scream when you’re hungry and someone will produce food for you. But that’s not going to work when you’re 20. Okay, so you’re thinking “No shit Sherlock”. But there are other ways in which we can all too easily assume that the world is focused on us when in fact no one is giving us a thought. Parenting is the mother of all imagined theatrical stages. We picture ourselves centre-stage, with all eyes on *our* performance. Either we think people are “breastfeeding at us ”, or a scientific study is a conspiracy to make us feel bad , or someone pointing out the risks of circumcision is spoiling for a fight with us. Such self-centrism is an easy trap to fall into. Yet part of growing up is recognising that other people might not have us in...